Parenting tots: Wisdom from "Peaceful parenting, happy kids"

It had been quite a challenging week...Tong seemed to be going through a tedious phase, he was intensely frustrated and never failed to voice his displeasure in thunderous wailing and whining...so maddeningly loud and irritating that papa almost lost his cool and wanted to slap him...

But on the golden days, he could be sooooo endearing. I never fail to be in awe at how such a tiny body could pack so much explosives, when he went ballistic, it really rocked the world...

Well, mama just read a book "Peaceful parents, happy kids"

Some gems of wisdom

(1) Manage my own emotions. When tong tong acts up like a hurricane, it is not a reflection of my lousy parenting skills or that he has an explosive and tyrannic nature, he simply has needs that are unmet at that particular moment and he has not learned the skills to manage the overwhelming emotions and verbalise what he is feeling.

So mama has to be the adult and stay connected and choose to LOVE. We make choices all the time, it is not "tong tong is driving me mad, he is pushing all the buttons!" It is ME making the choice to let tong's outburst impair my judgement and letting my blood boil, I make a decision (albeit maybe unconsciously) to be angry and ACT on it.

Up to no good in wai po's house...

(2) Always choose LoVe.

Pastor Prince always reminded us not to let others have the power to make us happy or sad. Let's remember that God sees us as his darlings, in all your tribulations and troubles, always choose LOVE, always know that only God's opinions matter, and He thinks the world of you.

(3) Allocate 15 min of special time each day

papa and I heard about this when we had xun xun. We attended aunt shuping's church's parenting talk. It extolled the importance of the couple having 15 min of couch time to stay connected. On hindsight, we really should have practised that, mama lost sight of that and devoted herself to taking care of xun xun and the marriage was sidelined. papa probably would not agree (but he was a great optimist (ahem more like delusional to me), to him, everything was always rosy), but parenthood really took a toll on the marriage. During some periods of time, it was like the darkest thing on earth.

So that day, I started this 10 min of special time with you, where you could choose to do anything and I would follow you. Then 10 min for tong tong and we rotated. You relished the time so much, you were so immensely appreciative of it that you asked for it constantly. To you, it was mama putting down her phone and devoting her time to you, following your lead and playing with you, making stories and silly songs. You yearned for the connection, you savored the intimacy.

You know what, I surely hope to do this for as long as I live...depositing into your emotional bank, so that when you grow up and are out in the world on your own, should the world deal you a rough hand, you could make withdrawal from this amply overflowing bank and then go out and face it head-on.

(4) See myself as coaching you

If I see myself as a coach, and you learning to manage yourself as a journey, then it is ok to make mistakes...for we did not learn to walk overnight, we never learnt any of those skills in an twinkling of an eye...When you were young and you fell down, I would shrug it off as I read somewhere that the kid would panic if he sensed panicky vibes from the parent. So I acted cool...and you would continue bawling your eyes out...then I read a brilliant book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and it said that we were thwarting your emotional growth by denying your feelings...we would never do that to our adult friends, but we would say the meanest things, the most severe criticism and the least encouraging lectures to our own kids, in this misguided notion that we were helping you to deal with reality...

                                               

well...mama changed tactics...whenever you fell down, I would ask if you were alright...amazingly, both of you learnt to pick up yourselves very quickly, just needing a kiss and a sayang...nowadays xun would just look up to check if I were looking at her and she would smile that sunshine smile and chirped that she was ok : )

                                              

(5) Don't set you up for failure, support rather than rescue

Mama should never expect unrealistic things from you, you are after all, just a little child...there is sooo much to master, so much to learn, so much to experience...

mama is adamant that I shall not succumb to the parent trap of stressing you over academic results...I always tell my frens that the richest friends are never the ones who ace the exams. The star students are now working in the government sector...with God's favor, how can you not be a champion?

It is ok to make mistakes, it is ok to fail in some areas..so long you keep on trying, do your best to glorify, know that He loves you and He has given you every blessing of Heaven...

Mama loves you to bits, sweethearts. As an aside, it had been a really dramatic night. As mum was blogging, we heard our neighbors having a quarrel and the police came to investigate! Mama's wise friends said that a good marriage and healthy kids are the most important thing in life. I totally agree. Recently, I had been thinking about having a third child. I asked you, Xun, you said you just wanted one little brother. The neighbors' fight unsettled me...I think I will just focus on building the relationship with papa and focus on you...Children add tremendous stress to a marriage...now that you two are more independent, I think it is time to sit back and relax a little...